I hate getting tattooed. I like having them, I hate getting them, especially as I get older. My back is crapping out (definitely job related), my legs get this weird thing where they intermittently go numb (also job related) and in general I'm always tired. Sitting in a chair in a certain position for hours on end while somebody drills on you is not a good time. I don't think it tickles, I don't think it's fun and I'd really rather lay on the couch, farting and watching reruns. However, when it's over and I have a cool new tattoo, I'm really glad I went through with it. But I definitely get that it's unpleasant and uncomfortable while it's happening.
However, it drives me absolutely bats when I have someone all set up to tattoo, they're in my chair, and just as I'm about to start, it's "Hey, can I lean this chair back/forward? I can't sit like this." And when I reply that I need the chair at that angle so their to-be-tattooed part is sitting right where I'm at the best angle to do a killer job, it's, "Well, I have a bad back and I can't sit like that." Or else it's "I don't wanna sit up/lay back/lay down/flip over, I can't see my friends/my phone/the TV." I just finished a small tattoo on a girl's right wrist and that's when I decided it was time to come in here for a crab-off. I wasn't working right in the center of her wrist, it was more to the side, so when her arm was out and her wrist was facing up, the tattoo would be down towards the inside of her arm. I leaned the chair back so I could comfortably turn her arm up and create a nice, flat surface for me to work on and I wouldn't be twisting her arm out of the socket.
As I was about to start, she sat up in the chair and said, "I want it the other way."
"The stencil?" I asked, and reached for the bottle of alcohol to remove the stencil.
"No, the chair," she said. "I want the chair the other way. Up. I want to sit up."
"Well, no. See, I need to get in here," I explained, pointing at her arm. "If you lay back like this, I can turn your arm up so it's nice and easy for me to get at the tattoo, and then I can do a really nice job."
"I can't go like this?" She asked and sat even more upright, which turned her arm down so the tattoo was almost face-down on the armrest.
"Now I can't even see it, how am I supposed to tattoo you like that? You gotta lean back."
She sighed and made a face, as if I were being a complete asshole for wanting to optimize the outcome of her tattoo by arranging all the elements to my advantage. She did lean back and the tattoo came out great, but I didn't understand the fuss. Perhaps I'm a little more mellow than the average bear, but when my dentist tells me to open wider, I do it. When I get a haircut, if they tell me to put my head down, I do it. I've gone to someone who is working on my body and I'm going to arrange myself so they can do their job. I assume that's not unreasonable.
Like I said before, getting tattooed is really uncomfortable and unpleasant. I hate it. And regardless of how the chair is angled, you're gonna be in a world of hurt because I'm going to be drilling you on the body part of your choice. Laying on a pile of silk pillows will not make up for that fact. But when you're telling me you have some sort of condition that is going to prevent me from being able to access the spot where you want a tattoo, or that you don't want to let me at it, I'm not quite sure you understand how little I rely on magic to do my job. I cannot tell you how many times I have had someone in who wanted a tattoo on the side of their thigh, but they couldn't lay on the opposite hip because of a surgery or an injury or an injurious surgery. I've had people wanting back tattoos but they can't lay on their belly because of a hernia or respiratory problem or cracked sternum. I've had people wanting tattoos on their innner bicep but they couldn't lay on their back and extend their arm out on an armrest because of a shoulder thing. I've had people wanting chest tattoos but they can't lay on their backs becaue they got injured in a major mosh pit at the James Blunt show or whatever [EDIT: I know who James Blunt is, I know he's soft rock and he sucks ass, you can stop with the posts pointing that out]. Now, I understand that not everyone understands the mechanics of tattooing, and when you come to me, I will explain to you whatever you want to know so you are informed as possible. A lot of people think it's perfectly feasible to get their ribs tattooed while they are sitting straight up in the chair. When they get here, I explain to them why that will make it more difficult, and how proper positioning makes everything go faster and more smoothly. For the most part, people understand. But for some reason, the rest have to argue and complain and resist, as if I am somehow trying to punish them or humiliate them by having them sit in a certain position. I'm not, I'm really trying to give you the best tattoo possible, but you gotta meet me halfway by sitting still and letting me get at the spot on which I will be working.
Before you start your keyboard-mashing rant about how much I hate people with injuries, let me tell you a story. There was a guy who used to frequent a shop where I worked. Pretty much everyone there worked on him at one point or another. I'm not completely certain, but I'm pretty sure he had cystic fibrosis. He could barely speak, he was in a motorized wheelchair and he required an oxygen tank. His wife would come with him, she was a great sport and when he had trouble communicating what he was looking for, she would help out. He ended up getting really heavily tattooed all over his arms, and it wasn't too hard to work on him. He had great difficulty getting out of his wheelchair, so we'd just push the customer chair out of the way and he'd roll his wheelchair right up where we needed him. When he started getting work on his legs, he had his young adult kids come along as well. The whole family would help lift him into the working chair. Then we could raise him up enough to work on his legs. At one point, he expressed a desire to get some work on his chest, but acknowledged that it was not possible, because he could not fully recline. If he did, fluid would enter his lungs and he would be in serious peril. He was happy to stick with what could be done given his condition, and he was a pleasure to work on.
I tell this story because he was willing to accept that he had a limitation that would prevent him from getting certain tattoos. You might be thinking, "So what? Tattoo his chest with him sitting up in the chair." Well, no. It doesn't quite work that way. It can be done, but it's way, way harder than if they're leaning back or lying flat. Cue angry posts from tattoo artists who TATTOO CHESTS SITTING UP ALWAYS U AMATURE!!!!!111!!! Yeah, fine. Not everyone works the same way, and more than a few of us like to tattoo as if we're writing at a desk instead of writing on the wall. For the rest of you non-tattooers, I suppose I could explain the difference in somewhat relative terms. Take a piece of ruled paper, hold it up on the wall at eye level and print out the word "tattoo" repeatedly across every single line, down the entire sheet of paper. Now, let me add in that when you're tattooing, it's not a flat, hard surface. It's soft and squishy and it shifts around. You have to use your hands to pull the skin tight or the needle just bounces off the surface, so press your writing hand into the wall as hard as you can. The other hand has to do the same, really mash those fingertips into the wall and do not release that pressure for more than a couple of seconds. Now, as you're about halfway down the page, think to yourself that you only have three more hours of this. I forgot to add that a tattoo machine weighs far more than a pen. Depending on what kind of setup you have, a machine can weigh almost as much as a can of soda, so think about balancing that between your fingertips at a 45 degree angle to the wall for those three hours.
If you did actually try it and you think it sucks balls, you're right. Add in the fact that if the customer is sitting up, they're not always going to be as still as they would if they're on their back. When we're working on you, we want the best advantage possible to give you a nice tattoo. That mans we want you to be still, but we also need the tattoo at the best angle possible so that we have a nice stable place to rest our hands when we're stretching your skin. We want the best leverage so that every line is crisp and clean, the color is all solid and the shading is smooth. We want to concentrate on giving you a nice tattoo, not about how bad our back or neck is hurting because we're all hunched over trying to get at a spot that you're trying to hide from us. Another kicker is that a tattoo machine relies on gravity for the ink to flow down into your skin. If you tip the machine backwards or upside down, nothing comes out. There is a far more consistent flow when the machine is upright like a pen on a piece of paper on the table. A nice, steady flow of ink results in nice, steady lines.
Now that I've told you entirely too much about the mechanics of tattooing, do a Google image search for people getting tattooed. Some of them are sitting up, some are leaning back and some are lying down. But if you'll notice one thing the images have in common is that you don't see any of those artists positioned like they're working under a car. We can't roll under you on a creeper because you want to sit up and look at your phone while we're tattooing you. We're not trying to be dicks, we're trying to give you something that will make you happy forever and ever.
I developed some kind of weird arthritic thing in my shoulders as of late, so if I lift my arms up higher than a 45 degree angle, I get this deep, burning pain in the sockets. I can't hold it up like that for more than a few seconds or I feel like I'm going to pass right out. It's brutal. I have to work at a downward angle these days and there is really nothing I can do about that. I do my best to get you as comfortable as possible, but I can't cause myself agony. Such is the way the cookie crumbles, gang.
So when you're going in for work next time, don't get mad about being all stretched out all weird or hunched over or something. You might not get why your artist is asking you to do that, but there is a method to our madness. Being uncomfortable or feeling weird for a little while is a small price to pay for having a really kick-ass tattoo for a very long while.
Recent Comments