POSH MIDDLE-AGED WOMAN: (Paging through the flash racks) Ummm.....Question....
BOSS: Yes?
PMAW: What's with all the skulls?
BOSS: This ain't Neiman-Marcus, lady.
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(I'm drawing a little name for a customer)
HE: (Leaning over the counter) I have some advice for you...Do it nice....do it neat...take your time....and DON'T FUCK IT UP.
ME: Let me tell you something. I've been doing this for fifteen years. I'm not some dumb fuck off the turnip truck. I've tattooed in [city], [city not on this continent] and [other city not on this continent]. I'm 39 years old. I do shit like this in my sleep. You're in good hands and I can manage just fine without being talked to like that.
HE: Oh! 39! You have a baby face!
(I take his ID. I'm ten years older than he is. Later I recount the story to my boss. He said,"You shoulda told him to get fucked." To this day, I really wish I had.)
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SHE: Is this gonna hurt?
ME: A little bit.
SHE: Can you do it so it doesn't hurt?
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YOUNG MAN ON THE PHONE: How much for a tattoo?
ME: Well, it depends on the design, come on in and show us what you have.
YMOTP: Well, can I describe it to you?
ME: I'm going to end up with a mental picture that may be very different than what you're actually interested in. I don't want to quote you too high or too low. If I'm selling you a piece of art, it's only fair that I see the art before I tell you what it's going to cost.
YMOTP: Well, it's a small cross, about--
ME: Hey, hey, I just told you, you need to come in. What you think a small tattoo is may be very different than what I think a small tattoo is. It's not like drinks where they come in small, medium and large.
YMOTP: They're not?
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YOUNG GIRL ON THE PHONE: Do you guys do piercings?
ME: No, I'm sorry, we only do tattoos.
YGOTP: Do you know any place that does?
ME: Sure, there's a place not far from here. Here's their number, xxx-xxx-xxxx.
YGOTP: Do they do nose piercings?
ME: I'm sure they do. Just give them a call and they can give you all the information.
YGOTP: What do they charge?
ME: I have no idea, give them a call.
YGOTP: What are their hours?
ME: You know what? I don't work there. I work here. Call them.
YGOTP: Okay. I think I'll just call them. Thanks!
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GANGSTA KID: Youse guys sell ink and needles?
ME: Nope.
GK: Why not?
ME: Why do I wanna sell you stuff so you can fuck up your friends at your house? I don't ask my dentist for tools so I can practice dentistry in my kitchen.
GK: You know anywhere else that would?
ME: Nobody worth their salt.
GK: I don't want salt, I want needles.
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Today is really cold. REALLY, REALLY COLD. Two guys have come in at two separate times and asked about fixing a tattoo that they already have. When I asked to see their tattoo, both of them looked a little distressed and said that it was too cold to remove any clothing.
I said with a laugh to the second guy, "Well, I can't tattoo you through your clothes, you're gonna have to get it out of there at some point. "
He replied, "I guess I didn't think about that. I'll come back when it's not so cold."
