Oh, Baby!

Let me get this right out in the open: I really hate it when people bring their children to the tattoo shop. I don't hate kids, I rather like them. I'm not a parent myself, but my friends who are often note how swimmingly I get along with their children, and the natural rapport I seem to have with them. I assume it's because, like most children, I hate being told what to do and I think farts are absolutely the funniest thing on Earth, period. I like it when I see kids in kid-appropriate venues. I like to see kids in Target and at the grocery store and at birthday parties and in various outside locales. I do not like to see kids in kid-inappropriate venues. I don't like it when I see kids at rated-R horror movies and at bar-restaurants with loud music and scantily clad servers and a bunch of goony guys in the corner who are swearing and being assholes. I don't like to see kids in tattoo shops. I will tell you why I don't like to see kids in those places. It's not because I hate kids. It's not because those kids are 'screwing up my good time'. Deep breath here folks, this is why I don't like it: I feel sorry for those kids who get taken to places like that.

There, I said it. I feel sorry for kids whose parents think it is appropriate to take their child to such places. Parents assume that their kids will like what they like. Kids will go along with it for the sake of parental approval. I'm not so sure these kids want to be in the tattoo shop. They don't have a choice, for starters. If I picked out ten kids and asked them, "Would you rather go to Chuck E. Cheese, or sit in a tattoo shop while your mom or dad gets tattooed?", I'm pretty sure all ten of them would want to go to Chuck E. Cheese. If there were any who would want to go to the tattoo shop, I promise you, they'd be really sorry later that they did not pick Chuck E. Cheese. Going to a tattoo shop is exciting, but only if you're the one getting the tattoo. I can personally attest to this. I have been that friend who is all excited to tag along, thrilling at the prospect of the taboo environs of the tattoo shop, only to end up on the waiting room sofa three hours later, sighing and wishing I'd stayed home. For a child, it's ten times worse.

Even as a non-parent, I have logged a lot of hours around kids. Therefore, I have been quite able to make the observation that children are really bad at three things: Not touching stuff, sitting still, and being quiet. You're pretty much expected to do all of those when you're waiting three hours for someone to get a tattoo, and kids really fall flat in all of those areas. I don't blame them, I still have a hard time doing any of those, and I'm middle-aged. I have to work really hard at not touching stuff, sitting still and being quiet just about everywhere I go, I can totally relate to the struggle experienced by a six-year-old. I have no idea why any parent would do that to their kid, why they would expect them to sit on a chair for hours on end in a place that plays really weird music, where there's either no TV, or if there is, it's definitely not playing Nick Jr., and there's not a damn thing to do but stare at the walls. I'm totally baffled that parents see no problem with dragging their children to a place that is so damn boring for a kid, and then fully expecting them to sit there and twiddle their thumbs while mommy or daddy does something totally unnecessary. Of course, I feel a lot differently about such boring, waiting-around things as a trip to the emergency clinic, or at the mechanic's with a flat tire, some place that wasn't really on the to-do list for the day. Shit happens and it often happens when your kid is with you. But going to the tattoo shop is completely voluntary,  it's a luxury and a non-necessity.  I think it is unfair and selfish to insist the kid goes along and sits there like a lump, being bored while mommy or daddy gets their jollies.

I also think it's unfair to the kid because of the environment at the shop. In spite of the crusty asshole I am in this blog, I'm rather old-fashioned. I believe kids should call adults 'ma'am' and 'sir' and crap like that. I don't believe it is appropriate for children to use foul language, and I don't believe it's appropriate for adults to use it in front of children. However, old habits die hard. I'm at work, I'm in my element, and every third word out of my mouth is 'fuck'. It's become so ingrained that I am completely unaware of it until I am totally out of my element, say at a relative's house, or in my rare trips to church, or in a fine dining establishment. When someone's kid is in the shop, I'm still all 'fuckety fuck fuck fuck' and I get a little uncomfortable when I hear a kid giggling about it. However, let me say yet again that tattoos are for people 18 and over. They are for adults, a kid has no reason to be there. It's like a bar or a strip club in that aspect; there are things going on there that cannot legally be done to a child, and for good reason. In my mind, that negates any argument that kids should even be there in the first place. If they can't participate because it's illegal and it's seen as harmful, then they shouldn't be observing, either. Kids are going to hear all sorts of awful things in a tattoo shop; foul language, rude humor and  music that you definitely won't hear on Kidz Bopz.

Once the little scamps have heard some evil, they're gonna see some evil. We get asked again and again by adults, "What's with all the skulls? What's with all the dark stuff?" It's not Pottery Barn, you nitwits, it's a tattoo shop. That's why it's full of skulls and dark stuff, that's what we like. For the most part, that's what our customers like. When I was a kid, skulls scared the shit out of me. Granted, this was in the '70s and skulls weren't all over baby onesies and wine glasses and crap like that. They were on the jewelry of freaky bikers and in scary movies, and I used to have nightmares about skulls quite often. Now skulls are for kids and they're not as freaked out about it as I was. However, I don't really think a kid should shrug off seeing images like this or like this or like this.* All those images and more like them can be found in our flash racks. And parents stand around, blithely thumbing through the boards while their kids reach up and begin flipping a few boards of their own. Without looking, I can tell when the little guy or gal gets to something really juicy, because the soft plastic clack of the frames being turned over stops. We caution the parents that they should get their kids out of the racks and that the images are not appropriate for children. They usually just scoff at us and ignore their child, who is standing frozen in front of something that just completely blew their minds. I'm sure any one of those parents would shit a brick if a strange man at the park handed their child a book of drawings of naked women fingering each other on piles of maggot-ridden skulls. But for reasons unknown, they get really uppity when we try to prevent their kids from seeing that kind of stuff in our shop. I don't get it. Kids have their whole adult lives to be exposed to stuff like that. Why do I have to be an accessory to starting them on it when they're five?

I know what you're thinking, "What do YOU know? You don't even have a kid!" Who cares if I don't? There is a thing called decency, there are things called limitations, and there is also good old common sense. If I work in the place, and I am trying to sell you on the idea that this is a bad place for small children, you really should believe me, whether I'm a parent or not. Early in my career, when people walked into a shop with kids, they were told that they would have to come back later without their kids. A few parents got really pissy about it. "It's my kid, I can do what I want, what's it to you," all that. Eventually everyone just let it go and then every other person who walked in the door was pushing a stroller or carrying a toddler or had three grade-schoolers tagging along. But here is what started to happen--Parents began to complain about the language that their child was hearing from us. Parents began to complain about the music; it was too loud, it was offensive, et cetera. Parents began to complain that they couldn't bring their kids into the area where they were getting tattooed. I understand that not everyone realizes just how tattoos work, but let me tell you that you cannot have your two-year old crawling around on the floor under my feet and then violently tugging at your leg while trying to clamber into your lap as I'm putting on your outline. You just can't. See my observation that kids are bad about sitting still and not touching stuff. I have sharps containers full of bloody needles and bottles of chemicals and razors and loose wires hanging off of devices that conduct electricity in my station. There are few things in there that are not harmful to curious little hands and eyes, yet parents were incensed that their child could not enter. Parents began to complain when one of us would not agree to watch their child while they got tattooed or pierced. Parents began to complain that the appearances of some of us 'scared' their kids, that the stuff on our t-shirts was offensive, that there was no changing station in the bathroom. Parents began to complain that our utterly adult-oriented establishments were solely adult-oriented establishments. Sure, I get it, it's your kid and you'll raise them any way you see fit. However, we take issue with parents' attempts to raise us as they see fit. We're already raised, you're too late.

I'll assume I'm going to get a lot of comments to the effect of "I took my kid to the tattoo shop and they guy was totally cool! Why are you such a dick?" Well, clearly reading comprehension isn't your thing. You might want to read the preceding paragraph two or three more times, then skip down to the last one and do the same.  Like a lot of people, when one encounters something which contradicts their life's narrative, particularly when parenting is in question, the response is a keyboard-mashing frenzy, peppered with expletives. And then there will be the inevitable  rambling, non sequitur tale of how all your kids were present for all your tattoos  and you had a picnic lunch on the floor of the shop the last time and how one time you gave birth right in the guy's chair while getting your tribal anklet. Let me advise you that I'm a big fan of STFU Parents, and any and all mommyjackers and daddyjackers will be reported.  Reread that part about why I feel sorry for kids that get dragged along for your tattoo. I'll feel even more sorry for them after I read your rantings, especially the part about  how you hope one day I have kids and that they all get chopped up by an angry alien lawnmower, and how I'm a fucktarded fucktardian who could never understand what it's like to be a single parent and to be too broke to get tattoos AND pay for a sitter. I'll only infer that your kids are not eating well, so include your address and I'll send some Flinstones vitamins or something.

Again, I don't hate your kids. I hate that you expect your kids to act like adults. They're not. I hate that you expect us to act like Kinder-Care. We're not. Tattoos are for adults, they're a luxury, and if you can pay me, you can pay a sitter for a few hours. If you can't do both, then wait until you can. I feel really bad for those kids who hear me say 'fuck' twenty times in fifteen minutes. I feel bad for the kid who's going to have  a nightmare because of the stuff they saw in our flash racks. But I don't feel like that means we need to do something different, because we don't. We need to do what we do, and that's putting on great tattoos, being nice to our customers (18 and over, please), keeping a clean and safe environment and having fun with you. And on my days off, I want to go to Target and see you with your kid, playing in the toy aisle or putting on one of those hats with the animal ears and having a good laugh together. But it's best if you come see me without your kids because you're going to be more relaxed if you're not yelling at them to stop climbing on stuff and they're not complaining about how bored they are. You're going to have a much better experience if you're not bristling every time one of us says 'fuck', or cringing that we're listening to Slayer really loud. It's just going to be better for you, and this is what we want. And it's going to be better for your kid who got to stay home and have pizza and watch cartoons. Or if your sitter really has the patience of a saint, they get to go to Chuck E. Cheese. And when you and your kid meet up at the end, you'll both have a really cool story to tell each other.

*I would like to add that Coop, Bob Tyrrell and Boog are three of my favorite artists in the universe and I would pee my pants over meeting any of them and even if I still would not wallpaper a nursery with their work, I have the utmost respect and admiration.