I don't normally need to ask a ton of questions about a tattoo before I do it. The questions I usually have to ask are always the same. They are simple questions that require simple answers. I like being sure we are all on the same page so there are no surprises or disappointments when I say, "Okay, you're done, go take a look." However, more often than not the answers I get to these simple questions are utterly baffling. In this installment, we take one of the most important questions:
How big do you want the tattoo?
SHE: Not too big, but not too small. I mean, like, a decent size. Not huge or obnoxious or anything. You know, a good size.
ME: So, how big?
SHE: You know, not obnoxious or anything. You know, a good size. Not too big. Nothing obnoxious. [NOTE: Repeatedly referring to an Oreo-sized tattoo as "big and obnoxious" to a person who is tattooed from wrists to shoulders is pretty freakin' rude]
ME: How big will the tattoo be?
SHE: Well, I mean, not too big, I mean--
ME: No. How big, show me with your hands.
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ME: How big do you want the tattoo?
TOO MANY PEOPLE TO MENTION: About four inches by four inches. [I present a Xerox blown up/shrunk down to 4 x 4] Ohhh, no, that's way too big/too small. More like this [indicates an area with hands that is about a half inch-- or 36 inches].
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ME: How big do you want the tattoo?
HE: Big enough to fit my shoulder.
ME: Okay, well, this is a pretty small tattoo (about the size of a postage stamp). So you want it as big as your shoulder?
HE: (Looks confused) You think that size there will fit?
ME: (Also looking confused) Well, yeah, this is really tiny in comparison to your shoulder.
HE: Oh. I was thinking maybe it should be smaller.
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ME: How big do you want the tattoo?
SHE: Well, what do you think?
ME: Well...I mean...if I were gonna get this, I'd do it about this big. [I blow it up on the copier to about twice the size]
SHE: Oh! No, that's way too big. I want it the size it is on the paper.
ME: Okay, that's what I asked you.
SHE: Well, I just wanted your opinion. But that's what I want there.
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ME: How big do you want the tattoo?
HE: Well, big enough to hide it from my boss.
ME: [stunned silence for a moment] You're putting it on your back. What kind of job exactly do you have that requires you to be shirtless?
HE: [breaking into a shit-eating grin] Oh, yeah, I guess it doesn't matter, then, does it?
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ME: So how big do you want this?
SHE: That size there [on the paper].
ME: Well, this is way too small. The letters are going to mush all together and it's going to look like a blob.
SHE: Oh. Well, can it be smaller, then?
