HE: Do you have, like, a computer program that has red-tailed hawks?
ME: Google images?
HE: *blank stare*
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SHE: *Pointing to one of my piercings* So, what does the jewelry look like without the top, can you show me?
ME: *pulling out a diagram of how the piercing is done* See, it's like this and this and this here.
SHE: *Snapping her gum* Show me what yours looks like without the top on it. Unscrew it.
ME: No.
SHE: *Making a face* Why not?
ME: I just got it three days ago.
SHE: *Sneering* What, are you scared?
--If you don't get why this was worth mentioning, it's really dumb to go unscrewing jewelry in a fresh piercing to show off for other people. It's also dumb to get an attitude with someone who is about to do a totally different piercing on you because they will not concede to your demands to do dumb stuff with their piercings for your amusement. It is also absurd to assume that because you are a bleach-blonde, gum-snapping, 19-year-old little bint, that I will be powerless to deny you any request.
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HE: My yellow looks faded.
ME: You're too dark, man. You've been tanning for ages and ages, you're burnt all the way down to those base layers. You let that lighten up and that yellow will be a lot brighter.
HE: *poiting at some yellow on my arm, as he has done the last 4 times (no exaggeration) we had this conversation* I want my yellow to look like that.
ME: I keep telling you, man, I avoid the sun like the plague. My yellow looks like that because I stay out of the sun. Get some sunblock, put sunblock on it, you'll make that yellow look the same way.
HE: So....so put the sunblock....put the sunblock directly on the tattoo?
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HE: Can you fix this? *Shows me little jailhouse tattoo*
ME: Yeah....I'll have to re-outline it, I can put some real nice red in there, shade a little bit, it'll be like a whole new tattoo.
HE: How much is that gonna cost me?
ME: Mmmmm......'bout a hundred bucks.
HE: *Jerking his arm away* What? You know how much that thing cost me?
ME: How much?
HE: Two packs of cigarettes!
ME: Well, I can't beat that price, you're gonna have to go back to the can for that.
**********************************
SHE: (A mother with her teenage daughter) Can I sign for her to get a tattoo? I'm her mom, she's 17.
ME: No, ma'am, the state law is 18.
SHE: Not even if I'm her mother?
ME: Not even if the Pope came with her.
SHE: (To her daughter, completely deadpan) I don't even know the Pope.
*I actually thought this was totally made of win.*
