No matter what, as soon as you get someone into your chair and set up to tattoo them, they are going to fire off the same list of questions. Now, they are perfectly valid questions, some that definitely shoud be asked by a person who is about to be tattooed. But, seriously, when you have to answer those same exact questions five to ten times a day or more, five days a week, for ten years, it wears on you. I've joked before with my co-workers that I am going to make a poster for tattooers and call it "The answers To The Questions I Already Know You're Going To Ask". And all it will be is a numbered list of answers, no questions. As soon as the person in the chair begins to ask, you simply point to the poster and they have all the answers there. If you're wondering how that list will go, here it is below. Anyone who's a tattooer will know which questions I'm answering. If you're not, or you are and all your customers are mutes or something, I've listed the questions below the answers for your edification.
THE ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS I ALREADY KNOW YOU'RE GOING TO ASK
1. __________ years.
2. As soon as I could hold a pencil.
3. I bugged the hell out of everyone in the city until I found someone to teach me.
4. I did, but not for tattooing. There's really no such thing.
5. Beats digging ditches.
6. Oh, yeah.
7. That depends on what you consider 'weird'.
8. Six hours.
9. Hell no.
10. Sure, but it's a lot easier not to, I think.
11. Well, not in the womb, I think I got the idea more in my teenage years.
12. As of now, a toilet.
Well, for those of you who know what the questions were, hope you got a good laugh, feel free to print this out and post it in your section, send me five bucks or something. For those of you in the dark, read on.
1. How long have you been tattooing for? (In my case the blank would say 'ten' but you fill in your own time there, obviously.)
2. Were you always an artist? (Now, I happen to know for a fact that there are a lot of tattooers who really can't draw too well. But they manage fine in spite of themselves, being able to mimic a design off of flash. But no one wants to hear that, so I guess you're better off lying if you aren't a bona fide 'artist'.)
3. How'd you learn how to do this?
4. Did you go to school for this? (Now, question three and four are interchangeable, you either get asked one or the other. I guess people assume there is some sort of tattoo school you enroll in, or that art colleges teach tattooing. Although I suppose neither option is too far off these days...)
5. Do you like it? (Well, I don't hate it. But it is a job, it's a hard job and it takes a lot away from you. It burns you out, but it does have advantages, it's a decent living and much more interesting than driving a desk. Or digging ditches. But again, no one wants to hear that you work all night, all weekend, get burned out to the point of insanity, so I keep my answer to this one very simple.)
6. Is it harder than drawing on paper? (The paper moves, the paper bleeds, the paper vomits. 'Nuff said.)
7. Where's the weirdest place you ever put a tattoo? (I know they want to hear 'genitals'. And I, in my impish humor, refuse to give them that satisfaction. Besides, what I consider weird is based on infrequency of occurrence. I have tattooed infinitely more genitals than I have, say, behind the ear. So I would actually be more weirded out by tattooing behind the ear than on the genitals. It's like being a doctor in a weird way. You see enough of one body part, you really stop caring.)
8. What's the longest time you ever spent on a tattoo? (I used to complicate this one by asking, "Well, you mean at one time? Or how much overall?" This question they ask is always referring how much time, start-to-finish, in one sitting. I guess I should have left that blank for you to fill in, but now you know what my time is.)
9. Do you do your own tattoos? (Plenty of people can, and do, but not me.)
10. Yeah, but, could you? OR, Why not? (Becuase I'm a wuss about it, I hate to look at it when I'm getting tattooed. I hate to see my own blood, I'd rather lay back, squeeze my eyes shut, go to my happy place, and let it be done.)
11. Did you always want to be a tattoo artist?
12. What's the weirdest tattoo you ever did on anyone? (Always subject to change, of course.)
And there you have it. If I think of any more, I'll be sure to add them in, I pretty much have the list committed to memory at this point.
