The shop I apprenticed at was very small, there was only one piercer there, and one Saturday night, he got a bug up his ass and quit. I sat there, meekly tracing flash, trying to lay low as he and the bosses went back and forth with each other. After he had taken his things and gone, one of the bosses sighed, looked at me and said, "Well, ya wanna learn to pierce, too?"
I took him up on it. I figured that would make me a bit more viable in the industry, and it has. Escpecially considering the squeamishness or sissiness of most of the piercers I have encountered. They won't do this piercing, they can't do that piercing. Me, I'm a total scavenger. If someone wants to pay me for it, I'm doing it. "If I can grab it, I can stab it," I always say.
When I began to pierce, genital piercings weren't all that common, I did one here and one there. Now it's almost a daily occurrence. and I can say this about the vagina...I am scared to death of those things. Yeah, I know. They feel great, but they're terrifying to look at sometimes. I had never before examined one under such clinical surroundings. But when there you are, under glaring fluorescent lights, wearing rubber gloves and holding steel instruments, cleaning the genitals of a woman you find completely unattractive with or without panties, it's a whole different ballgame.
Guys tell me they wish they could do my job, and I assure them that they absolutely would not. It's not as if all the girls who come in and want their hoods and labia pierced are beautiful. I can think of two occasions in ten years where the girls were slender, drop-dead gorgeous and had a nice box. The rest of the time, the girl had either been horrifyingly obese, or had some condition/affliction/infestation that nearly made me launch my lunch right between her thighs.
The thing we all wonder about the shop is, why do the two-ton tessies always want it done? I assume it's so their boyfriends can wave a metal detector around their crotch and when he hears it beep, he knows he's close to the zone. But, man, what a nightmare to pierce. They squeeze into the chair, their hips completely filling the seat and spilling over the chair's arms. Then you tell them to spread their legs, and those thunder thighs barely part. You actually have to force them apart by pushing one roll up and over the top of her leg. You will never be prepared for the smell that comes out of there, I imagine that is what awaits when exhuming a body after a month or two. Then, with your free hand, you have to pry open that sweaty slit and try in vain to find the hood. Good luck with that. I could go on, but I'm wondering how quickly this entry is going to get yanked.
Anyway, the frighteningly fat aside, I have seen Vaginas Behaving Badly in all manners. A couple of times I've been treated to the sight of a tampon string hanging out. Ladies, really. You couldn't have waited a week?
Once as she was hiking down her panties, a young lady exclaimed (or explained?), "I just had a baby!" In my estimation, there were still some leftovers that needed to be taken care of. The ectoplasmic sludge that was seeping out, clinging to her bush and her inner thighs stretched, chewing gum-like, from her hole to her panties as she slid them down for a good five inches before it snapped and shot back up to whence it came. I had tears in my eyes from the gagging I was trying so hard to hide.
A cute, sweet little gal came in once, looking as nerdy and chaste as could be. I was kind of surprised she was getting her hood pierced. As soon as she dropped trou, I saw what real-life genital warts look like. I sent her on her way and proceeded to boil everything in the shop.
Women always ask, before we begin, if they can use the washroom. Good call. Make sure it's nice and clean before you force me to crawl in there. However, most of them go about it this way: take a big wad of toilet paper, get in there and scrub the hell out of it. Now, if there is one thing I've learned over the years, it's that you don't wipe a pussy like you wipe an ass. When you do, you end up with all kinds of little rolled-up bits of toilet paper everywhere in there. Nothing like a gal going in there to clean herself up, and coming out worse than before she went in. She drops her drawers and her bush is sprinkled with bits of paper, and then inside is even worse. One insightful piercer referred to this phenomenon as "clittie litter." Bravo.
Despite the fact that they are organs with strange powers to do amazingly disgusting things, vaginas can be pretty scary even when they're not doing anything. Some of my co-workers and I have been slowly compiling a list of descriptive names for the ugliest among them. If you feel I've missed a good one, let me know, I will be more than happy to add it.
Space Orchid (That one's mine, I'm pretty proud of it.)
Baloney Flower
Broken Balloon
Beef Curtains
Mudflaps
Goober Gully
Steak-Umms (you have to be over a certain age to get that one)
Roast Beef Sandwich
Octo-Pussy (that's not referring to the cool James Bond kind, either)
Penis Flytrap (as in, "Holy shit! That one had TEETH!")
Cold Grilled Cheese Sandwich. (imagine trying to pry open a cold grilled cheese sandwich. 'Nuff said.)
Now, that's not to leave the guys out of it. They come in still oozing from their last jerk-off session, as they assume the'll be out of commission for a while after getting their penis pierced. Seriously, dudes. I don't want to bear witness to your post-orgasmic tricklings. Get that damn thing to calm down before you come see me. Otherwise, I might be forced to introduce you to a Penis Flytrap.
