The Four Tattoos You Need To Stop Getting Right Now

Now, before you get all warped, hear me out. Understand that I am speaking as someone who tattoos ten hours a day, five days a week, four weeks a month, twelve months a year, give or take a day or two. So, when you come to the shop, you get your tattoo and you leave. When I come to the shop, I see your tattoo, and her tattoo, and his tattoo, and their tattoo...now add to the fact that I'm not the only one here. At the end of the year, we have put on a lot of tattoos. It stands to reason that there would be repeats here and there, and that's okay. There is no such thing as a 100% unique tattoo, everything borrows from something else. And thanks to the internet, if you post a photo of a tattoo done in Cleveland, within minutes, someone in Taipei can print it out and bring it to a shop to get the same one. It's just what happens. However, there seems to be a narrowing of the stream, if you will. Instead of seeing variations on a theme, we are seeing endless replications of the same design, over and over and over. The general public has settled on edlessly regurgitating the same few designs. In the name of customizing yourself, you are choosing the exact same image as thousands of other people. 

Let me also add that I would never suggest people NOT get tattooed. I'd be out of a job if I started doing that. I might occasionally question the design or the placement if I feel you're not going to be happy with the results, but the decision to get tattooed is always the right one from where I sit. But you have to consider where it is that I sit. I'm on the opposite end of the machine from you, and I have a very, very different perspective on this than you do. I would like to think that means something.

Mostly, and I hate to be selective, this list is aimed more at the ladies than the menfolk. I hate to be selective, but, girls, you are the worst offenders. I can almost guess which of these images you're about to show me when you pull out your pink, blingy iPhone and start scrolling through the images. And I wait and wait as your squared-off plastic french manicure thumbnail taps the screen repepatedly while you search through all the duckface pics you made in the ladies' room at Chipotle. I play a game with myself, trying to guess which one it's going to be, if you haven't already told me. It's become my personal ESP test.

Now, I know what some of you are thinking: "Well, what about flash? You mean to tell me you never did the same piece off a sheet of flash more than once?" Of course I have. You haven't tattooed until you've replicated JD Crowe's climbing panther a few dozen times. I did it twice in the same night on two people who were not in any way connected. Of course there's repetition in tattooing, but this stuff here is really pushing it. And if this stuff were the least bit interesting or well-designed, I wouldn't be complaining. When people bring me these images, I point out the potential problems with said images. Their response is, "Well, that's what I want." So I do it, then they come back moaning that I was right and they should have listened to me. So not only do these tattoos show a lack of independent thought, they are also the mark of people who cannot listen to instructions. Therefore, I have no remorse about hurting your feelings if your tattoo is on this list.

1. Feather Exploding Into Tiny Birds

I blame the rise of this tiresome tattoo purely on Pintrest. I can't say I'm clear on how the site works, but from what I understand, it's like Facebook, only with more pictures of kitties and food, and less witty repartee.  Anyway, this tattoo...I did this tattoo four times in one week not long ago, and one of my co-workers did it at least once that same week that I know of. So that's five confirmed times in one week.  Now, not even taking a long, hard look at this photo, I can tell you one thing: This tattoo is shitty. Sorry. Whoever did this tattoo deserves a slap, at the very least. It's choppy, scratchy and shaky. Now, you're bringing us a photo of a shitty tattoo and you want the same thing. Take this tattoo and clean it up and do it properly, and it still sucks. It's a giant black blob of shit. You know what else is a giant black blob of shit? Tribal. So, yeah. You're getting this because you think tribal is stupid. Guess what? It doesn't matter if it's pointy black shit in the shape of a tiger or a skull or a bunch of tiny birds exploding out of a feather, it's still tribal. As the great philosopher Nelson Muntz once said, "HA ha!"

2. Infinity Sign With Something Written In It

Here is the problem I have with this tattoo. Everyone who brings it to me says this: "Can you make it, like, more symmetrical?"

From the dictionary definition of 'Symmetry':

"a. geometrical or other regularity that is possessed by a mathematical object and is characterized by the operations that leave the object invariant: A circle has rotational symmetry and reflection symmetry.

b. a rotation or translation of a plane figure that leaves the figure unchanged although its position may be altered."

Simplified: An object that is the same on both sides after splitting it in half is considered symmetrical. Look at the above design. Split it in half down the middle. Do both halves look the same? No. One half has "Love" written in it. So as far as making your very asymmetrical infinity sign look symmetrical, you are shit out of luck and you also need to go back to vocabulary class for a while. Also, I already know you want this design very small, on the inside of your wrist, upside down because it's 'for you'. And as soon as the fragile, human-hair width lines you wanted rub off a week later, you're going to understand why I told you what I told you about not making it smaller.

3.This Shit Right Here

Any and all song lyrics or quotes or whatever, wherever you put them and whatever kind of lettering, it all sucks, sucks, sucks. There was an astoundlingly eloquent piece written against this sort of thing and I'll be damned if I can find it. If I ever do find it again, I will link to it, promise. EDIT: Thanks to bad-ass readers Al and JonDredd, I have the link right effin' here. Please read, it's great stuff.

I know what you're thinking: "Well, YOU'RE the artist! YOU use your imagination to design something!" I'd love to. But you want stupid fucking lettering. There is nothing remotely interesting or imaginative about that. If you handed me the lyrics and said, "Draw me a picture of what these words inspire," That would be kick ass. Once, as an experiment, a regular of mine handed me a printout of lyrics for a later appointment. For shits and giggles, I drew a picture of what I saw in my head. She came back for the appointment and okayed the lettering. Then I pulled out the drawing. She took it in her hands, and I could see her trembling. Tears welled up in her eyes, and with a hitch in her voice, she said, "Oh, my God, that is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen." 

She got the lettering tattoo anyway. And I never again wasted my time creating a breathtaking, one-of-a kind artistic masterpiece for someone who wanted lettering.

Let me also add, and this is in particular regards to song lyrics, that your tastes do change as you age. This would fly in the face of the idea of tattoos altogether, that you might outgrow them as you get older. Not so; with an image, you can merely ascribe any meaning to it that you like. The roaring lion that you got to be a badass when you were twenty could be the symbol of familial pride as you become a parent, then a grandparent. The butterfly you got to represent your youthful beauty could come to represent your emergence as a wiser woman after a bad marriage. The meaning of images is mutable, the meaning of words is fixed. There is no flexible explanation for the tattoo pictured above, its meaning remains constant for an eternity.

I'm what they call 'middle aged' now. The other day I was driving along and a song came on Pandora that I hadn't heard in ages. As I listened to the lyrics that I used to joyfully shout at the top of my lungs as a teenager, I found myself saying, 'Oh, my God!" aloud to no one. I was horrified, and gave the song a thumbs-down, hoping to never hear it again. Immediately, I gave silent thanks that I did not grow up in the era where one gets a massive tattoo of their favorite song lyrics, for I would indeed have some serious cover-up work to get done today. Speaking of cover-ups, don't think you won't one day. In the last two weeks alone I covered up three tattoos of song lyrics. All three people said the same thing: "Well, it really meant something at the time...." And what is a more expensive pain in the ass than trying to cover a giant block of all-black bullshit? Nothing. If you have lyrics tattooed on you anywhere, I suggest you start a small savings account for your future coverup.

4. The Magical Side Of The Finger Tattoo That Will Always Look Perfect Because Rihanna's Does.

A man wrote a very thoughtful piece about his finger tattoos which is pretty relevant to what I'm saying, although his take on the matter was rather philosophical. It was a great piece, but I'm going to cut to the chase here and show you what happens. And when you come to me and want "Shhh" on your finger because Rihanna has it, I will explain to you what's going to happen. And you will insist that her tattoo always looks perfect and never fades. I have three explanations for this:

1. Rihanna can afford to get tattooed whenever she wants, and going to the tattoo parlor every other     week is likely part of her routine

2. Photoshop

3. You have no fucking idea what you're talking about

Despite what I tell you, you will remain convinced that you will beat the odds, and you will not. Here is the aforementioned man's finger tattoos, before and after:

This is pretty much what 99.99% of finger tattoos become. I'm only telling you to stop getting them because you refuse to listen to what we tell you about them, you refuse to manage your expectations, and then you have the gall to come back, shove your finger in our faces and say, "LOOK! It's ALL FUCKED UP!" Yeah, well, we warned you. Sorry you're not as magical as you hoped you were, but we tried to tell you that. Until you can get these and stop acting like whiny twats about it, I'm resisting. Besides, hand tattoos are for hardasses. Well, they used to be. Also, not to be a wet blanket, but the economy is in the toilet. As an unemployed recent grad with 70K in student debt and no job, you might not want to try so hard to make yourself unemployable. Jus' sayin'.

I'm sure this list will be added to at some point. Were I making this list ten years ago, it would be a different list. I see now how trends come and trends go, and what people do in the aftermath. All the people who got tribal armbands in the mid-90s are coming back to try and cover them up. Now, if there is any one thing that's a bigger pain in the ass to cover than a big block of text, it's a thick band of pointy black shit. Take heed, kids. The classic tattoo designs, like that damn climbing panther, endure for a reason.